I threw my scale out. Yep, that’s right. I haven’t weighed myself in about 6 months.

I used to live and breathe by the number on that scale. If I was up one pound I felt defeated instantly. I would diet or skip meals just to binge eat later and loathe myself even more. This was a vicious cycle that I lived since I was in middle school. As I got older I tried several different weight loss programs. I counted every calorie in MyFitnessPal and used that to measure whether I was good or bad that day. I then switched to Weight Watchers thinking that it gave me more room to eat what I wanted, but really it was just another way to measure my worthiness with calories and pounds.

I was so lost in diet culture and this idea that I needed to have a perfect body. I put my worth into a number on the scale. I told myself if I just lost a certain amount of weight I would be happy. Well even when I got to my ‘goal weight’ happiness never came. There was never an end point, once that ‘goal weight’ was achieved then it was just 5 more pounds. Food and weight became all I thought about. I dreaded going to parties at times because I knew I wouldn’t have any self control over what I ate and would loathe myself later in the evening. The next day I would have to eat ‘good’ to make up for the ‘bad’ night before. This cycle waste never ending and exhausting.

I made the decision one year ago this month to listen to my body and break free from diet culture. I wanted to learn to accept and love my body as is. This decision came after talking with my therapist and really getting to the root of my insecurities. She recommenced an amazing book titled, Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole & Elyse Resch, that transformed the way I thought about food. It thought me how to listen to my body and understand my body cues without restricting what I ate. It took months of conscious effort to rewire my brain but I eventually learned how to create a healthy relationship with food. This journey was/is an uphill battle but one that I will continue to climb everyday because my worth is no longer dependent on a number on the scale.